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The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It’s rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper’s tolerance and is the result of too many beers – doesn’t matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised…..

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle’s heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

The Empty Roll Dump

Relief – you’ve finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face…..pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet – and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you’ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you’ve got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16….damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump

You’ve finished but there’s one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors…….

The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn’t enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you’ve done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores…..

The Houdini Dump

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don’t, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

We sold our house and at signing the realtor said the buyer wanted all the curtains back. They are NOT custom sized to the windows. They are very taste specific. The red ones in the living room I bought to match my couch cushions and rug. The kitchen curtain matches my rugs and dishes. The bedroom curtains are the same fabric as my comforter set. Every window has custom fit blinds, which we of course left.

They also want the bronze rods and holdbacks for all the windows. Do we have to give them all our curtains?

I have always thought it was awful to declaw cats, and was so mad at my mom when she did it to my cat when I was at college without telling me. That being said, I have a 10-week old kitten who will NOT stop scratching things. She puts one paw on each side of the bedskirt and claws it, scratches the rug, the couch, scales the comforter… plus my LEGS. Yesterday I found her 4 feet up on our screen patio door (she’s an indoor cat). I am afraid I will never be able to put up the new curtains I bought.

I have tried the water spray bottle for when she jumps and claws the furniture. I have tried trimming her nails once with nail clippers (didn’t do a whole lot of good). I know they make that sticky tape that goes on furniture, etc., but I can’t put it on every square inch of our house! Do those Soft Claws really work? Any other behavioral suggestions?
I did get her a cardboard scratcher when we first got her – put the catnip on and tried placing her on it and rubbing her paws on it when she scratched. No dice – she uses it for a bed, lol. I will probably invest in a more pricey model or two when I have the $.

i recently remodeled my bedroom and the walls are 2 different purple colors one a dark plum and a lighter color..i have a white shaggy rug and my curtains i just bought are this really pretty purple with strands of silver in it…..i have NO idea what kind of comforter i should get….HeLP!!
i want the comforter to not be too girly because i want to hang up some band posters

Hi. My new bedroom is pretty large. I bought the Hemnes bedframe in black brown from Ikea. 3 walls of the room will be tan, with 1 wall being a cranberry colour. That’s the colour scheme. Cranberrry/raspberry, tan, and black. (I live in Canada btw.) So here is what I need help with:

1. Can you tell me of any specific stores or links to store websites for a TAN COMFORTER? Nothing fancy, just really plain because I will have lots of throw pillows. Thanks.

2. Can you give me a link to a store that sells dresser knobs or handles or whatever? Thanks.

3. Can you show me a link to a store that has curtains that will match my colour scheme? Thanks.

4. Can you show me a link to a store that sells cranberry/raspberry (which is a mix of purple, pink, red, and burgundy/wine) area rugs? Thanks.

PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT ALL THE WEBSITES/STORES ARE CANADIAN.

I’m moving into an unfurnished apartment and I have a leather, hunter green love seat and I’m looking to buy a leather couch. I had in mind black but I don’t know. Also I need a color that combines the other two colors, I guess the word would be accent color. The accent color would be used for the curtains, rugs and little whatnot’s. Any suggestions?

I have a sage green couch (sectional) and I have black tables and entertainment centers. i would say the walls are a dark beige color and the carpet is tan and area rug has cream/offwhite color with some redish and green colors to it.. I am trying to find some curtains for the windows and some pillows that would go with it.. what are some of your ideas. I am going to be using a black rob for the windows so i need some ideas for the colors to use Thank you so much.

If I buy these linen curtians in chocolate color, will I be staying with my living rooms british colonial theme?

http://www.lnt.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2199739&cp&sr=1&origkw=linen+curtains&kw=linen+curtains&parentPage=search

I thouht I would buy a couple of big potted ferns. I also have tons of crystal. What pictures should I buy? I already have some nice black and white prints of Prague I bought while I vacationed there. Do you think those would look nice also, I was thinking of buying a large botanical print to hang above the coach?
I wonder about this because I just bought white leather furniture, and my walls must stay white. What do you think if I bought a tan rug and bought some burnt orange and garnet throw pillows to put on the furniture-will they go well with the curtians? Thank you!!!
Also, should I use crystal candle holders or wood for the living room table top?

I am re-doing my loft. I want a modern look. Where are some good online stores to get modern art/rugs/curtains, ect for a decent price??

I just moved into a studio apartment. I bought red sofas and my walls are painted a light yellow color. I have two big windows and I need window treatments because people driving by can see inside. What color curtains will go with my sofas? Or should I get blinds instead? Also should I get a rug? What color?

I live in an apartment and the bedrooms have hardwood flooring. My bedroom is not too bad but my son’s is cold. Besides adding curtains and an area rug, are there any other ways to help retain heat.
He’s 8 weeks old..Too young for an electric blanket

Keep in mind my apartment is very bear right now. Beige carpeting and cream walls. So for now I’m working with a leather mint green sofa and chair from Create & Barrel (very streamlined in built), deep brown wood coffee table and end tables. That all I have for now, I want to get an area rug curtains. Need some direction with colors. I can send photos of what I have so far.. I’m trying to rebuild after an apartment fire so I’m a bit over whelmed…

My walls have been recently painted orange. My closet doors and window trims are white. What colors of furniture would look good in my room? Also, what kind of decorations would fit?( bed covers, curtains, rugs, chairs etc.) I got a birch colored desk and cabinet a year ago so i can’t throw those away but everything else has got to go.
Links would be great.
Ikea would be top priority (because its cheap)
but other stores are fine too!!!
If you can’t get the link, a name or company who makes it would be awesome.
I am considering the following colors: pink dark purple and white.
What do you think?
Thanks a bunch!!!

1. Mrs Carter has .00 to buy curtains for 2 bedrooms in her house. She bought 3 curtains for one bedroom that cost .00 each. How can she determine the amount of money she has to spend on curtains for her other bedroom?
a. Divide .00 by the product of 3 and .00
b. Add .00 to the product of 3 and .00
c. Subtract the product of 3 and .00 from .00
d. Multiply 2 by the product of 3 and .00

2. These numbers are examples of dibles: 48, 32, 72, 56
These are not examples of dibles: 42, 18, 54, 63
Which number below is NOT a dibel
a. 84
b. 40
c. 24
d. 16

3. Which of the following can NOT be used to find the perimeter of a square given a side length of 5?
a. 5+5+5+5
b. 5×5
c. 4 x 5
d. 2×5+2×5

4. Mrs Todd had 4/12 crates of banananas for sale at her fruit market. By noon she had sold 3/4 of a crate. How many crates of bananans remain to be sold?
a. 6 1/4
b. 4 2/4
c. 4 1/4
d. Not Here

5. Mrs Rodriguez’s punch recipe uses 3/4 gallon of ginger ale, 7/8 gallons of orange juice, and 3/4 gallon of pineapple juice. What is the amount of liquid she will use to make the punch?
a. 2 gal
b. 2 1/8 gal
c. 2 3/8 gal
d. 2 5/ 8 gal

6. Mr Brooks knows the circumference of the circular rug in his living room, but he needs to find the diameter. Which method can Mr Brooks use to find the diameter?
a. Divide the circumference by pi and multiply the result by 3.
b. divide the circumference by 2
c. Multiply the circumference by pi and divide the result by 2
d. Divide the circumference by pi.

7. The produce manager at the local grocery store says that the store sells an average of 384 ounces of mushrooms each day. How many pounds are equivalent to 384 ounces?
a. 16 lb
b. 21 lb
c. 24 lb
d. 48 lb
Thanks SO MUCH!